Let’s Hear It For The Girls
By Becca Brunner
"Talk to the next generation about porn!"
Parents, pastors and leaders have been hearing some version of this for a while now. We know pornography is a common danger for our young people and that we should be talking to them about it. The Church more broadly has done a good job in recent years of making space for conversations around pornography and providing support for those who struggle. The problem is that most of the attention is geared towards men. We are not good or practiced at talking to our women about pornography.
This is surprising given that a survey done in 2015 found one in three women are regularly watching porn. Those numbers are likely higher now. The world's most popular porn site released analytics for 2019 and found that 29% of their site's visitors were women. It may have been true once that pornography mainly affected men, but that is no longer the case. According to one study and contrary to popular belief, women are just as visual as men and respond in the same way to porn on a neurological level. The relative silence from women on this issue does not mean that it is not relevant; quite the opposite.
In spite of the Church's progress in addressing pornography, it is still a struggle that carries with it a great deal of shame. This shame is compounded for women. We have been affected by the message that men are naturally more sexual than women and by the Church's silence regarding sexual matters as they pertain to us. Most of us have only ever heard of pornography as a men's issue, which contributes to the deep sense of internalized shame felt by the women who use it. This shame is about more than just behaviour but about who we are as women and Christians, making it extremely difficult to talk about or even admit.
The irony is that the resulting silence perpetuates a climate of shame, making it extremely difficult to create safe spaces for our younger women. Not only are they just as susceptible to pornography as our younger men, but the barrier for them to speak up or reach out is much higher. In some ways our women are in even more danger when we consider the shame and secrecy factor.
So, what can we do?
There are many resources out there on how to talk to the next generation about pornography. One of the biggest things we can do is incorporate gender inclusive language. This is not the same thing as using gender neutral language. By deliberately addressing our men and our women, we are sending the message that we know women can struggle too. Our younger women are way more likely to be honest with us if they don't have to worry about shocking us or being seen as especially perverted.
Another thing we can do, although this will be a challenge, is provide spaces for women's voices on this topic. It is very likely that there are women in your Church, maybe even amongst your leaders, who have had some experience with pornography. The more we can lead the way in vulnerability and dealing with our own shame, the better off our younger people will be.
Ultimately all of this is not merely about protecting the next generation from pornography but about our ongoing discipleship of them. We want to teach and model for them what it looks like to follow Jesus in every aspect of life, including sexuality. Part of that is being honest and realistic about the ways in which our lives, as God intended them, can be distorted. Pornography is one way, but shame, fear, and isolation are other ways. These work just as well to keep us from the life of freedom that Christ is offering us.
Sandhu, S. (2015, October 21). ONE IN THREE WOMEN WATCH PORN AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK, SURVEY FINDS. Independent. https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/one-in-three-women-watch-porn-at-least-once-a-week-survey-finds-a6702476.html
Pornhub. (2019, December 11). The 2019 Year in Review. https://www.pornhub.com/insights/2019-year-in-review
Ekaterina Mitricheva, Rui Kimura, Nikos K. Logothetis, Hamid R. Noori (2019). Neural substrates of sexual arousal are not sex dependent. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences 116 (31) 15671-15676. DOI:10.1073/pnas.1904975116