Effective Accountability
By Min-Soo Kang
Accountability is a well-known concept within the Church.
The importance of having it in our lives is typically introduced around puberty.
With our hormones raging, we are told by our parents and/or leaders to uphold the Bible’s call over our sexuality, and our need for others to support us.
Accountability has often taken the form of checking-in with another person to admit whether or not we have committed wrong behaviours.
It is designed to help us deny the sexual urges that we feel.
We are deemed good if we haven’t done certain things and bad if we have.
This is the same dynamic we see with law enforcement officers.
There are laws within our cities and provinces that we abide by as citizens. If we decide to go against these laws, there are police officers who hold us accountable for our decisions. We usually have to pay a penalty for our disobedience.
Although this dynamic works in the public sector, there are lasting consequences if we apply it to our accountability relationships.
We may associate sexual desire with punishment
God designed each of us as sexual beings with the capacity for sexual intercourse. Even though our sexuality is more than the act of sex, we should never shame ourselves or another person for having these good desires. Our goal as Christians is not to become desire-less, but to satisfy our desires through God’s intended ways. If He created sex, He knows how it can be done best!
We may focus only on our behaviours and not on our hearts
If our accountability relationships are behavior-focused, we can fall prey to sin management. Sin management will only change the surface level of our lives, but never reach below to the real seat of change: our hearts. We will either struggle deeply with shame because we cannot bring about lasting freedom, or we will become prideful in being able to manage our wrong behaviors without God’s intervention. Both approaches are limited.
We may learn to depend on external reinforcement
Despite the fact that accountability relationships are important in the Christian life, they do not save a person. At best, they are companions on the road of life. If we rely on them as our primary sources for change, once removed, we will turn back to our addictive behaviors. It is easier to “break the law” when our “police officers” are not around. A deeper resolve needs to be present.
Sexuality is a gift from God!
His vision and intention for it can bring about great joy and happiness in our lives. Our sexuality is meant to draw us out of ourselves, and sex reflects the creative and relational heart of God. However, because we are broken, sexuality can also be where we experience pain if we take it into our own hands. Because of this, we need others to support and celebrate our sexuality through its various stages.
When choosing an accountability partner, here are four suggestions to consider:
Safety
For accountability relationships to be effective, they need to be spaces of vulnerability. We are losing out on growth if we just discuss behavior or surface details. Authenticity is the key! As such, we should be accountable with those who will honor confidentiality, and who will accept us no matter what we share.
Heart
As mentioned, if we focus our accountability relationships strictly on behavior, we will simply be managing our sin. It is important to give attention to the conditions of our hearts, and to locate the deeper motivations for our addictions. Our accountability partner should also see the value in this, calling our hearts forward more than our good behaviors.
Consistency
It is important to set a regular meeting time with your accountability partner/group. Even though major life changes don’t occur on a weekly basis, it is important to keep up-to-date with each other’s lives. This will help in seeing a disaster before it happens. Consistency also prevents meetings from just being times of disclosing a “fall”.
Prayer
Most importantly, accountability relationships must incorporate prayer! The cycle of addiction cannot be broken by human willpower or resolve. Freedom is not something we accomplish. We need the help of the Holy Spirit to change our hearts and heal our hurts. We find true strength when we allow our human limitation to push us into God.
Accountability relationships may be essential for us in order to maintain our sexual integrity, but that is not really the full picture. The goal is not to attain perfection; the goal is to pursue Christ in every aspect of our lives. We need other people to come alongside us and to remind us of that, to encourage us, and to embody the love and mercy of Jesus as we struggle along the way.