Trigger Warning
By Min-Soo Kang
You’ve probably heard the phrase “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”. This proverb communicates the idea that beauty is not objective, but is created by observers. What one person finds beautiful may not be beautiful for another person, nor will two people see the same thing in the same way.
This proverb also rings true when applied to the experience of addictions, particularly with individual triggers.
Triggers are events or feelings that cause us a measure of pain or discomfort, which we usually want to avoid or escape. This could be anything from a fight with a loved one, failing a math test, or having a bad hair day.
Triggers can also be sexual in nature, whether it’s passing an attractive person on the street, stumbling on a provocative ad online, or dealing with a recent breakup.
The options for triggers are endless and individual specific. What one person finds triggering may not be triggering for another person.
We find ourselves wanting to avoid the discomfort that results from both sexual and non-sexual triggers. This desire could move us to self-soothe through whatever vice of our choosing: pornography, masturbation, shopping, television, food, music, technology, alcohol, etc.
It is much easier to turn to something that would alleviate the pain and discomfort that arises from triggers than to carry those feelings throughout the day.
Yet, if we don’t give attention to the reasons why certain events or feelings cause us pain and discomfort, we will continue to be stuck in a cycle of addiction.
The fact that we find particular events or feelings triggering speaks to a deeper need that we carry around. If this wasn’t the case, certain events or feelings would not affect us in the way that they do.
For example, if someone’s legitimate need for connection is not being met, their resulting pain may be loneliness. For this individual, triggering events may include a couple publicly displaying their affections for one another, seeing pictures from an event they were not invited to, or even a wedding ceremony. If this deeper need for connection is not given attention, these triggering events will keep this individual bound to their vices as a way of coping with the discomfort of feeling lonely.
What we find triggering has a way of revealing to us our deeper needs. Put another way, a trigger means you are in pain! It hits your need like a lightning bolt.
Because of this, we would do well to pay attention to our triggers and identify the legitimate desires they are pointing to.
A helpful starting point is to list out all your specific triggers, both sexual and non-sexual. This exercise is also useful in helping someone else identify their specific triggers:
What has happened in the last week, month or year that has made you feel discomfort, pain, or confusion?
Who are the people, the places, the events or feelings that are usually triggering for you?
Do you notice a pattern in your triggering events? Are you triggered by similar types of situations or circumstances?
What deeper, unmet needs are your triggers revealing to you?
Here are some examples of triggers & needs from real people:
“I am triggered by competitive sports because of my past experiences of bullying and rejection in Phys Ed class, and this triggers my need for approval and acceptance. Left unchecked, I will be tempted to look at pornography and masturbate to medicate the pain”
"I notice I am triggered a lot during the summer months when people wear more revealing clothing. I am tempted to compare my body to everyone else, and obsess about the beauty I perceive in others that I lack. This spirals into feelings of unworthiness, and then into fantasizing about being with someone beautiful so that I will feel beautiful. This sexual trigger touches on deeper needs of belonging and acceptance"
“I am triggered by a beautiful, sunny day. I often picture couples or groups of friends enjoying the day together. If I don’t have a plan in place, I feel a sense of missing out. In these moments, I want to medicate my feelings of loneliness and boredom with pornography or food. What I really need are meaningful connections with other people”
When we are able to identify what specifically triggers us, we are empowered to not only see when temptation is near, but we also empower others to journey with us towards freedom.
It is important to share our triggers with those whom we have an accountability relationship with. Each person’s unique triggers won’t be known unless this information is disclosed. By offering up this information, accountability relationships can take a proactive approach, rather than being exclusively reactive.
For one, accountability relationships can be those we reach out for at our moment of triggering. Oftentimes, we connect with our accountability partners after we have acted out with our vice. By including them beforehand, right when we are tempted, we prevent ourselves from giving into our vices and being stuck in our addictive cycles.
In taking this proactive approach, we also give our accountability partners an opportunity to meet our legitimate needs. For example, we can bypass the temptation to use pornography by connecting with a real-life person, seeing how the latter satisfies a need for connection, where the former cannot.
When we are satisfying our deeper, legitimate needs in a healthy, God-honoring way, it is easier to say no to our addictions. It also frees us to pursue the life God designed for us to have, which our hearts deeply long for!