In Aesop’s fable of the Fox and the Grapes, we meet a fox in a predicament: seeing a bunch of delicious grapes on a high branch, he attempts to jump for them without any success.  The grapes are described as “ready to burst with juice”, which causes the fox’s mouth to water, and what motivates his every effort.  Until finally, he gives up. 

In his dejected state, he scoffs, “what a fool I am” … “here I am wearing myself out to get a bunch of sour grapes that are not worth gaping for.”  True to Aesop’s tales, the fictitious story carries a proverb: “there are many who pretend to despise and belittle that which is beyond their reach.” The fox justified his inabilities by reinterpreting the attractiveness of the grapes.

This is a clear example of rationalization.   

Rationalization has been defined as a “…way of describing, interpreting, or explaining something (such as bad behaviour) that makes it seem proper, more attractive, etc.”  By rationalizing, we are making allowances for something that we know we shouldn’t have or do.  Or it is used as a defense mechanism, causing us to not see ourselves (or to be seen by others) in a negative way. 

How we often do this with our addiction to pornography!

As mentioned in the previous article entitled “Think, Think, Think!”, when we decide not to explore our deeper emotional needs or reach out for a trusted person in our state of preoccupation, we will enter the next stage of the addiction cycle called rationalization. 

In the rationalization stage, we are convincing ourselves why using pornography is a good idea.  To borrow the illustration from the previous article, not only are we considering walking on the familiar path of addiction, we are also attempting to justify why walking on that path is warranted.   

Deep down, we know that watching pornography is not a good decision!  We know that it won’t bring about the joy and fulfillment we are seeking in our lives.  Yet, in the rationalization stage, we will say anything to ourselves to change these beliefs.  We will make it so that using pornography is the right course of action, to manage the uncomfortable emotions we feel towards our unmet needs.

Like unmet needs and triggers, the phrases that we use to convince ourselves to act out with pornography are individually specific and individually convincing.  A phrase that makes pornography acceptable to one individual won’t necessarily work for another.  Because of this, we need to be mindful of what particular justifications we use to defend our unwanted behaviour.

Be mindful that these phrases can incorporate faulty beliefs or lies.  Like the fox in Aesop’s fable, we can reinterpret the circumstances in and around us in order to change the properties of pornography from negative to positive.

What are the two or three phrases that you often say to yourself that makes pornography more appealing, more acceptable, more warranted? 

List them out on a piece of paper. 

It can be surprising to see these thoughts on paper, out of your minds and visible to the eye. 

Here are some examples of phrases and faulty beliefs that could justify acting out with pornography.  Have you utilized any of them before?

“I need this”

“I am unlovable”

“My life is screwed up anyways”

“God does not understand”

“This is my right”

“Pornography is the best I’ll ever get”

“Pornography is the only thing that helps manage my emotions”

“This is the last time…”

Being in the rationalization stage does not mean we are bound to proceed to the next stage of the addiction cycle.  There is never a point where watching pornography is inevitable!   We can stop our cycles from moving forward by reaching out for a trusted friend or accountability partner.  By doing so, we can explain and dissect why certain phrases have rationalizing power over us.

Our rationalizing phrases can also be a clue into our deeper, unmet needs. 

For example, if the phrase “I am unlovable” often makes allowances for pornography, we would do well to explore why we feel this way, when we most often feel unlovable, and possible ways to reverse this lie.  This takes work, but it will be a way to find lasting freedom from pornography.      

If we decide not to do this, to understand our specific ways of rationalizing, we will continue to be at the mercy of our justifications.  This will keep our cycles moving forward, onto the next stage: ritualization.   

Ritualization is different from the other stages we’ve discussed so far; in that, it no longer incorporates just our thoughts and feelings.  In ritualization, we are putting actions to our thoughts and feelings.  We are beginning to act on our desires.

Knowing how we behave in ritualization is important, and will be the topic of the next article. 

Next

Think, think, think!